Fantasy football is stupid and I don’t know why anyone plays it. I am 0-3 in my main league, losing all three contests by a combined ten points. I’m probably third or fourth in terms of total points scored. It’s become a weekly tradition to have my spirit shattered in the literal final moments of Monday Night football.
1. RIP to the Josh/Jaheim Scale
The Bills offense struggled in Weeks 1-2, and Allen had been showing serious signs of regression from his stellar 2020 season. I thought about bringing back the Josh/Jaheim scale, which for those who aren’t aware, is a bit started by Bomani Jones. During Allen’s first two seasons, his game fit all of the stereotypes associated with Black quarterbacks, but nobody talked about him in the tone that they talked about Black quarterbacks, so Bomani started calling him Jaheim.
The QB in Buffalo on Sunday was definitely Josh — I’m now realizing this bit implies that the “white” name is the “good” name, so I’m going to kill this bit on the spot and admit it was a terrible idea in the first place. I should’ve left it to Bomani.
Anyways, Allen completed 32-43 passes for 358 yards and 4 touchdowns, while adding a score on the ground. That is the quarterback who makes his six-year, $258 million extension not only palatable, but a bargain — and that’s the quarterback Buffalo will need in January (and February).
2. Early Season Skid in Kansas City
The last place team in the AFC West is….. the Kansas City Chiefs. You read that right.
The Chiefs struggles early are undoubtedly concerning, but let’s not overreact to a pair of narrow losses to the Ravens and Chargers. If these happened in Weeks 7-8, we wouldn’t bat an eye. Mahomes has also been uncharacteristically turnover prone thus far, which figures to change. The fact that the Chiefs have been coughing up the ball at such a high rate and still nearly pulled out both victories could be argued as a positive sign.
Additionally, while defense has been bad thus far, this has been their MO on defense under defensive coordinator Steven Spagnuolo. Rushing to judgement on defenses has proven futile in the modern NFL; they’ll be playing better in December. Whether or not they will be playing good enough will have to wait.
However, as Cale Clinton pointed out during our AFC season preview, the Chiefs are vulnerable. I am optimistic they can resolve their early season woes, but even if they do their AFC rivals capable of beating them. We just saw Baltimore and Los Angeles beat them. Buffalo looks terrifying on both sides of the ball. Cleveland took them to the wire and is already improving defensively.
It’s too early to determine if Las Vegas or Denver are red herrings, but the Chiefs have enough internal issues to handle before figuring out how many AFC contenders to worry about.
3. Battle for NFC Superiority
In the Sunday afternoon special, the Rams emphatically took down the Bucs. The latter entered the week as the prohibitive favorites in the conference, but the former emerged with their hat firmly in the ring. Matt Stafford is already drawing comparisons to Kawhi Leonard, as his presence alone elevated the Rams from a mediocre playoff team to championship caliber, thereby making Jared Goff the DeMar DeRozan of this scenario.
This loss is more or less meaningless for Tampa Bay. It serves as a reminder that they will not walk back to the Super Bowl, as inevitable as it may seem with Tom Brady on the roster.
This victory could be worth its weight in gold come January. With only one team per conference earning the all-imptorant postseason bye week, this game might be the difference between the NFC’s top two teams.
4. Myles Garrett Spoils Justin Fields’ Debut
It’s early in the year, this may have been Garrett’s “Heisman moment” in the Defensive Player of the Year award race. Although, it’s hard to say who is more responsible for the rookie QB’s woeful performance: the athletic marvel who sacked him 4.5 times or his arrogant head coach trying to prove a point. When your play draws comparisons to The Peter Man, it’s time to change your mailing address and seek counseling.
Fields may never play a worse NFL game, but we may never talk about this one again. That’s how these things work. We freak out because it’s the only sample we have to work with. And then, as young quarterbacks learn and the sample size exponentially increases, it’ll just be another box score.
There is hope Bears fans: Brian Daboll will have Fields looking like a Pro Bowler next season.
5. Putting the “Special” in Special Teams
The Ravens defeated the Lions on Justin Tucker’s game-winning, record-breaking, 66-yard field goal. Lions fans not only knew the kick was going in the second Tucker lined up, but have already seen Tucker drill a 60+ yarder to beat them this decade. Sometimes I think the Bills or Browns have the most cursed franchise, but it has to be Detroit. They have nothing.
Earlier in the afternoon, Kliff Kingsbury sent Matt Prater out to kick a 68-yard field goal of his own. The kick came up well short, so much so that Jamal Agnew was able to return it out of the endzone. Agnew’s return eerily resembled Auburn’s Kick-Six from 2013, so much so that I mimicked the late-great Rod Bramblett’s call “Auburn is going to win the football game!” while Agnew was at about the Cardinals 30-yard line.
Fortunately for Arizona, the Jaguars stink; the redbirds rallied in the second half to come away with a victory and move to 3-0. Arizona has played in some weird games thus far, but their schedule luck has run out. Next week, they’ll travel to Los Angeles for a date with the Rams in the main slate’s game of the week. Well, it’s either that or Lions-Bears.
What? You don’t want to watch Jared Goff versus Nick Foles?
6. I Jinxed the Seahawks
Vikings fans, you’re welcome. Seahawks fans, sorry not sorry.
I want to think the Seahawks are good; through 1.5 weeks, I thought I was right. But they can’t stay out of their own way. The defense is bad. The offense is inconsistent. The threat of Pete Carroll clambering to run the ball more looms after every incomplete pass.
With the Rams looking like legit Super Bowl threats, the NFC West division is probably out of reach. I do think Seattle’s edge at QB gives them the advantage over San Francisco, but I actually think the Cardinals might be the second best team in this division. I need to see them not struggle to put away the damn Jaguars first, though.
7. The Schrödinger’s Cat Team
Everywhere I look, it says the Broncos are 3-0 and tied atop the AFC standings. I’m confused — because the Broncos have yet to beat an NFL team.
I’m only half-joking. Denver’s three wins have come against the Giants, Jaguars, and Jets. I have not run the numbers but I am confident in saying that is the easiest schedule of all-time. Those teams are a combined 0-9 with a -106 point differential.
I don’t mean to be a wet blanket, but come on. What am I supposed to say? There’s no evidence that Denver is any good yet. Standing on those victories as evidence would be like standing on a folding table after a Bills tailgate.
Let’s talk in a few weeks after they play Baltimore and… Pittsburgh? My god, we’re never going to know if this team is good.
8. What is… a Packers win over the 49ers
I don’t necessarily rank these thoughts in terms of significance or importance or anything, but you probably expected this game to be placed a little earlier in the article, right? That game ruled. Well, here’s the thing: What did we actually learn from this game?
That Aaron Rodgers is still really good at football? That you shouldn’t leave him any time or he will beat you? We’ve known that for years.
That Jimmy G stinks? That Trey Lance should be starting? We’ve known that for weeks.
That Kyle Shanahan resembles young Andy Reid as a great play-caller who kinda stinks at game management? We’ve known that, too.
Sometimes, a great game is just a great game. There are no greater lessons to be learned.
9. Big Ben is Big Done
How were the pyramids constructed? How in the actual fuck did Buffalo lose to the Steelers in Week 1? How did Pittsburgh not think of drafting a quarterback at any point over at least the last three years?
The answers to these questions do not exist. There’s really no analysis to give anymore, just jokes.
10. Another Blackjack for Vegas
Derek Carr’s excellent play has been a key factor in the Raiders early success, but two other developments have been the difference makers this season. First, Maxx Crosby and the Raiders much improved pass rush. Second, Jon Gruden figured out how to use Henry Ruggs as an actual wide receiver instead of a gadget deep threat. I wrote a bit about that last week, so no need to double-dip — I just can’t not mention an undefeated team here.
The Raiders have been on the right side of a pair of overtime contests already this season. That doesn’t mean they didn’t earn those wins or that they aren’t a good football team; it just means they’ll want to increase the scoring margins to avoid tempting the one-score game gods.
11. The Panthers Keep Pounding
The NFL’s fifth undefeated team almost got lost in the Bermuda Triangle called Thursday Night Football. Sam Darnold has led the Carolina Panthers to three wins in as many weeks and my prediction that Joe Brady will be coaching the Bengals next season is holding strong.
A pair of injuries could make it difficult for Carolina to parlay this hot start into a playoff push. The Only RB Who Matters, Christian McCaffery may miss a few weeks with a hamstring injury, though he’ll avoid the IR. On the other side of the ball, the Panthers’ top selection in the 2021 draft, CB Jaycee Horn, suffered a significant foot injury and may miss the remainder of the season. Carolina traded for CJ Henderson, the Jags’ ninth overall selection in 2020, to fill Horn’s role.
The Panthers will face the Eagles, Giants, and Falcons over the next five weeks. If they can take care of business in those games, they are more than halfway home to a postseason berth. Injuries hit every team and with that schedule, there won’t be any excuses for the Panthers.
12. Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes
Indianapolis’ futile bet on Carson Wentz could be even more short-lived than skeptics like myself expected. If the season ended today, the 0-3 Colts would draft third overall — except the season doesn’t end today, and, even if it did, the Colts would owe their pick to the Eagles.
One of two things is going to happen.
- The Colts turn their season around and re-enter the playoff conversation. (I don’t see this happening, but the AFC South isn’t exactly loaded with contenders.)
- The Colts keep losing. In this scenario, Indy likely benches Wentz to ensure he doesn’t play 75% of the Colts’ snaps and thus preserve their first-round pick. It would be the real-life manifestation of the sunk cost fallacy.
I’ve been quietly making the joke that Chris Ballard is the Danny Ainge of the NFL. How he handles this situation with Wentz may determine the accuracy of that comparison once and for all.
13. Ranking the 3-0 Teams
Super Bowl Expectations: L.A. Rams
Playoff Caliber: Arizona, Las Vegas
Not Sold: Carolina, Denver
14. Ranking the 0-3 Teams
Frisky But Not Good: Detroit, Indianapolis
Just Lost To The Falcons: N.Y Giants
Not In College Anymore: Jacksonville
Fucking Embarrassing: N.Y. Jets
15. MVP Tracker
- Matt Stafford
- Kyler Murray
- Derek Carr
- Teddy Bridgewater
- Cooper Kupp